


you're fine

by eliiiwhyyy



Category: Original Work
Genre: Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, LMAO, Other, Read at Your Own Risk, Sad, Short, This is a sorta reader insert? i guess, Toxic Relationship, its hard to explain, kinda different format, please for the love of god read the trigger warnings, sorta - Freeform, very sad, well more like toxic behaviours
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-12
Updated: 2018-11-12
Packaged: 2019-08-22 15:57:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,143
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16601051
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eliiiwhyyy/pseuds/eliiiwhyyy
Summary: it's a normal monday morning when it isn't.***TRIGGER WARNINGS IN NOTES***





	you're fine

**Author's Note:**

> ***PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE READ
> 
> if you are TRIGGERED by ANY of the following DON'T READ THIS:
> 
> \- eating disorders (there is one implied but it isn't referenced or specified)  
> \- self harm (again, implied and referenced once)  
> \- suicide (implied AND referenced)  
> \- anxiety attack + sensory overload is alluded to but not actually written
> 
> READ THE NOTES AT THE END PLEASE***

You find yourself staring at the ceiling again.

 

Getting up is hard, and you’re behind on your assignments. You can hear soft music coming from the small kitchinette and know that your partner is probably making breakfast, but you can’t bring yourself to get up.

 

You look at the clock, the numbers reading 7:54 am. It’s early.

 

Why did you wake up early? You don’t have a lecture until 9, but you don’t really feel like going to it. You haven’t been in days.

 

You pull yourself out of bed, hair flying out into different directions and dried blood caking your thighs. You take a moment to stare at yourself in the mirror. Dead eyes stare back at you, the bags settling underneath them almost permanently. Your skin is paler than it’s ever been, and you can see the old scars and new wounds covering your arms, legs and belly.

 

You choke back a breath and turn away from the mirror. 

 

Hurrying around your room, you chuck on a pair of jeans and what seems to be your partner’s favourite hoodie, a dark red one that is one size too big on you. It swallows up your thin and bony body, but it’s fine.

 

~~_ it’s fine. _ ~~

 

It takes a minute for you to compose yourself, and once you think you’re ready you step out of your comfort zone and head into the kitchen.

 

You see your partner making your favourite breakfast while listening to some soft jazz. It hits you in that moment that they are light of your life, and in the back of your head it reminds you that you don’t deserve them.

 

The thought disappears when they turn to smile at you, seeing you awake. They give you a kiss on the cheek, a kiss so soft it’s barely a peck, and despite how you feel it still manages to make you feel lighter. 

 

You mumble a ‘good morning’ and give them a small hug.

 

Their scent reminds you of the alluring sweetness of candy, while their warmth makes you feel as though you are on a beach on a warm and sunny day.

 

Reluctantly you pull back and smile at them, moving around them to make yourself some coffee.

 

~~_ please don’t leave me. _ ~~

 

You sip at your now made coffee and glance at the clock. The time now reads 8:24 am. Your partner has finished making breakfast and they proudly present it on the table. You laugh and sit down to eat.

 

It is 8:43 am when you finish, and your partner kisses your forehead before they leave for their class. They’re studying chemistry while you’re doing a small art course.

 

~~_ they’re smart, they’ll find someone better than me. _ ~~

 

You quickly chuck on some deodorant and shoes before heading out, remembering to lock the door this time. You’re proud of the small victories.

 

It is 4:06 pm when you return to the empty apartment. You know your partner has to stay back to study tonight, but the apartment feels so empty. It’s so empty. The silence is deafening and you almost fling yourself to the radio, to escape the silence. The static sounds for a moment until the radio finds a channel, and you feel your tired body slumping in relief.

 

Once your mind had settled again, you decided to check on your wounds before doing anything else. You headed into the bathroom and flicked on the light switch, your eyes automatically squinting as they got used to the bright fluorescent light.

 

You looked at yourself in the mirror as you uncovered your legs, the blood from before now dry and crusty as it falls off your leg in bits and pieces. The cuts no longer faze you, and you start the process of cleaning them up. 

 

~~_ failure. _ ~~

 

You decide to cover them up with a bandage before chucking on a pair of sweatpants. You should probably have a shower, but can’t bring yourself to have one.

 

The clock now reads 4:34 pm. 

 

It’s close to dinner time, you realise as you stumble back into the kitchen. Some old punk song plays quietly on the radio, one that you remember from your high-school days, and you wonder if you have the energy to make dinner.

 

Your partner has made all your meals for the past week alone, and you know you should make it up to them but its  _ draining.  _

 

~~_ i can’t fight it. _ ~~

 

You muster up all the energy you can find, search for an easy mac ‘n’ cheese recipe online, and set to making yourself and your partner dinner for when they come back home.

A short amount of time passes while you’re cooking, and the radio is now playing an old classic as you finish up. You glance at the clock and realise that it is later than 5 pm and that your partner is still not yet home.

 

You shoot off a text to them, asking them where they are. A text comes back almost immediately telling you that they’re sorry for not telling you, but they will not be able to come home tonight.

 

The realisation hits you as you realise that you will be home alone for the night. The apartment suddenly becomes huge and you feel so tiny, so constricted. Your hands start to shake and your skin feels clammy.

 

~~_ weak. _ ~~

 

You leave the mac ‘n’ cheese in the now turned off pot, and move to the room. You don’t bother turning the radio or lights off.

 

It is now 1:38 am, and this is the worst bout yet.

 

You lie in bed, staring up at the ceiling. You feel numb, unable to do anything but lie there. The wounds on your legs are burning, reminding you of your sins.

 

~~_ of how much of a failure i am. _ ~~

 

Can you fight it? You don’t know. You have been fighting for years now, the ups becoming less and the downs becoming more. You are tired.

 

Your partner hasn’t replied to your texts, and it worries you. But you are probably too clingy and they’re just ignoring you. You need them.

 

~~_ they don’t need me. _ ~~

 

You can’t do this anymore. This has been a long time coming, but it feels as if you’re no longer there, disconnected from the world and watching your trainwreck of a life from someone else’s eyes. 

 

You need it to stop.

 

~~_ please make it stop. _ ~~

 

The clock now reads 9:01 am. You stopped counting the minutes long ago. Or rather, you do not recall anything after 2:43 am. 

 

Your body hands lifelessly from the ceiling, dead eyes staring out unseeingly into the world. Your partner found your body at 10:46 am, and you were pronounced dead at 11:23 am. You couldn’t do it.

 

~~_ i couldn’t do it. _ ~~

 

~~_ i’m sorry. _ ~~

**Author's Note:**

> this was based off of a game available on itchio called 'woebegone' and is probably one of my darker stories. the character is treated as a 'reader insert' but if it's too heavy then feel free to insert pretty much any character. 
> 
> for the record, this is something i wanted to try to portray. this kind of behaviour alludes to the fact that a suicidal person should not live just for others, and this is something that a lot of neurotypicals don't understand about suicide and depression. you cannot guilt someone into living. you cannot tell them that they are being selfish for wanting to die because it'll break your heart. they don't want to live for themselves, but they will want to live for you instead. pulling yourself out of that mindset is hard, so hard, and it can be understandably almost impossible to watch someone you love struggle through that. 
> 
> it's a mindset i had to get out of, that i needed to help myself and not rely on others to help me want to live again. however, as a suicidal person you cannot try to cling onto someone else as a reason to live and it's quite toxic behaviour as it drains the person as well as yourself. especially in relationships. you need to be able to step back from your partners problems if it starts to affect you badly. you can support them, but to be able to support them you must also look after yourself, and that can definitely be a tricky thing to distinguish and step back from.
> 
> if anyone you know, or you yourself are going through a rough time or bad thoughts, there are many different places out there to visit that can help. there are suicidal help lines in almost every country now and there are crisis text lines to visit if you're in a crisis. 
> 
> please, seek help when you need it, and do not try to live for others. live for yourself.
> 
> **please give me feedback on this story and tell me what i can improve! i welcome constructive crticism**


End file.
